Could you seriously date a porn star past or present? And by “date” I mean “be seen in public with a well known debauchery thespian, on a regular basis”. I’ve been known to be understanding in regard to questionable pasts, but I’m not so certain this is one “speedbump” I’d be willing or able to get past. I know we all have skeletons in our closets, but not everyone’s skeletons have numerous video documentations of you at some point playing an enchanting solo on their skin flute. You see, when it comes to intimacy, I like many of you secretly want to feel that all the nasty and potentially incriminating things I am doing recurrently are making their exclusive debut with me. 

Obviously that could NEVER be the case with a porn star. There is absolutely NOTHING they haven’t seen and/or tried “ummm… was that a pineapple you just spat out of your poon?” Dating porn stars will have you at Wal-Mart at 3:24am buying artificial pinecones, a book of paper dolls, a Michael McDonald Greatest Hits album, and a brisket, and only heaven knows what she’s gonna do with that brisket.

Needless to say, you could NEVER introduce her to your friends or family. What if they are fans of her work? “Hey Josh, have I introduced you to my new girl, Jez…” “Naah, man you haven’t, but we’ve met” “What do you mean you’ve met?” “she’s been solely responsible for millions upon millions of my snotty swimmers meeting their imminent demise in their yellow Wendy’s napkin graves since the 8th grade.”

Then, what happens when you two are on a date and you run into one of her “co-stars” whom you only happen to know by his porn name? This is amplified when you’ve actually seen the “project they worked together on.” “Oh my goodness…. is that… yeah that’s him… HEEEYYYYY, Dickalicious Jenkins, what are you doing here? Have you met my boyfriend Jeremy?” he inevitably and cordially extends his hand, “Hey man, nice to meet you” I’d have to be rude, “uhh…. naah player.. you can put your hand down. I happen to know what you do with that hand, and I ain’t had my shots yet. Nigga wouldn’t want to break out with a nearly fatal case of the heeby-jeeby’s now would he? Oh yeah by the way, I loved you in “The Great Masterbaters” with Denzel Cockington. and “Happy Skeet” is probably your best work to date….. I wasn’t sure if you could pull off that role as a sex crazed penguin, but you did it!”

So take my word for it fellas, I don’t care if she is finer than frog hair split four ways, leave the porn stars for other porn stars. What can you honestly bring to the table? She’s used to penises so big they have an elbow. Save yourself the embarrassment, and just renew membership to your favorite porn sites.